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Don't Let Mum Guilt Stop You

Debra Jones • Jun 27, 2021

Was I Being Selfish Even Thinking Of Doing Something For Me?

Going back to the summer of 2018, I was a 37-year-old mum of 4 and had been talking about wanting to return to employment. But not back into my previous roles of working in a finance office or being self employed. I wanted to do something different, something I could potentially help just one person change their life. I wanted to study Psychology but was it really something a 37-year-old mum could accomplish? Was I being selfish even thinking of doing something for me? Was I missing out on my children? Were my children going to miss out on me?

And there it first appeared the mum guilt was starting just at the thoughts of possibly returning to education.

That September I began a Psychology degree with The Open University as it felt at the time it was the easiest to be able to fit around my family. I did not want to appear selfish (how is it even possibly to feel selfish to want to better yourself – well to a Mum anything that does not involve your children can creates these feelings and questions). I completed the year with a pass and was happy that I had proved to myself I could do something, but I wanted more. I knew this was something I wanted to do long term and something I could do well, so began questioning is it possible for a now 38-year-old Mum to go to university full-time? Let alone a Mum of 4 children?

I applied to my local university in the summer of 2019 and surprisingly was offered an unconditional place straight away and was starting in the September.

The feelings of dread and guilt were overwhelming.

It felt like everyday I was questioning my ability and my role as a mum. Feeling like I constantly needed to explain to people that I may be starting university, but I am still a Mum. The constant questions of people asking why I wanted to study did not help and increased the guilt and lack of belief in myself.


I remember that first day sat outside looking at my ID card and speaking to my mum and husband on the telephone still needing the reassurance that I was doing the right thing, and I was not doing anything wrong this was for my children’s future to teach them if you have a dream go and achieve it as much as for my own future.  I walked into my first lecture like a child on their first day at school nervous and excited all mixed together not knowing where to sit, what was about to happen, who to speak too.  However by the end of that first day I was smiling and happy.  I knew this was the right thing and if anything it was going to make me a better Mum as I now had a purpose and somewhere I could find for myself again and build confidence and self-esteem up. 

I had made friends with two other students; one was also a Mum and so it was nice to hear these feelings of guilt were normal. The rest of the first semester went by well however much of the time if felt like I did not know how I was supposed to remember all this information, names, dates but eventually however I did feel like somehow, I was extracting the information from somewhere when needed, so it must have been processed deep in my mind. 

Essay and Assignment time was probably the most difficult and needed a lot of checking on time management to avoid it taking its toll trying to be a Mum as well as a full-time student, but a little organisation, preparation and starting early and I got through it.  The biggest challenge during that first year that made me learn just how much of a resilient person I had become was when my daughter was admitted to hospital and her health took a turn for the worse right before an exam was due for one of the modules.  It was the first time I had really needed to ask for help from my Mum and husband and even sat up all night at the side of the hospital bed in ICU revising, the following day my Mum came to the hospital to sit with my daughter while I returned to university to complete my exam.  I remember leaving ICU that morning and all the doctors and nurses wishing me luck and telling me not to worry about her and on my return, all congratulating me when it would have been totally acceptable to ask for an extension.  If this experience taught me anything it was that I could be both a parent and a student however much I still needed to remind myself and stop doubting my ability (and to this day I still need to remind myself often). 

" I had somehow not only passed the year,
but my average grade was a first!!!"

The end of June 2020 (the end of year 1) arrived all my work was submitted, and I was over the moon when my final grades where given and I had somehow not only passed the year, but my average grade was a first!!! I remember saying how have I done that, but the confidence boost it gave was incredible.  The question of can I really do this?  Was starting to change to maybe I can do this?


Starting back for the 2nd year in September 2020 was again scary I think after such a long time without studying over the summer it felt like it was all new again with the added COVID-19 difficulties of now all the lectures being online (however I must give The University of Bolton credit for the student support they offered). The recurring doubts of 'am I really up for this?' began popping up in my head and the guilt of spending time on lectures, having to be in the late evening when my children were in bed to not disrupt them even more. 


The work also felt like it had definitely moved up another level during the 2nd year from the 1st years’ work. Not feeling like the basics, but when you start really having to learn all about the brain and be able to name parts of the brain down to the smallest part and a lot with very similar names however I got through it just like I did with the 1st year and by the end of the year gained in confidence. Even when needing to really come out of my confidence zone and complete two presentations. One being live, which had the added difficulty of having laryngitis at the time so at times my voice completely disappearing, not including the moment my son came into the room to give me a hug live in my presentation (the joys of children). 


By the end of the 2nd year my results got released and somehow, I had yet again managed an average of a first which was in one way a shock and in another was a lovely reward as I really had put the time and hours into making sure my work was as at a standard, I wanted it to be. My questions of maybe I can do this were becoming you can and will do this?


We are now up to date in my reflection, and I am due to return in September 2021 to start my 3rd and final year and the one thing I have been preparing for since this beginning of my degree “the dissertation”. It is totally unbelievable that I have got to this point as three years ago I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would have been able to get to this point but somehow, I have and now I'm being asked to look at what next?


I now know I have the ability to carry out my dream. 


Does it stop the dreaded imposter syndrome appearing? NO, but I am learning everyday to believe in myself, that in the last two years have my children suffered through me returning to education? NO, have I managed to get through not only passing but doing better than I ever thought possible? YES. 


My hopes for the future are to carry on studying following my degree to gain my master’s and then to apply for a doctorate (I know how crazy) but with a little belief we can change our futures. 


So why have I created this blog post? What do I want to accomplish from it? There is one reason I have wrote this and it is to give every Mum out there the confidence to say if you really have a dream, you do not need to let having children stop you. If I can complete a degree so, can you so go and do it.


We'd love to hear from you are you considering changing career or are you a parent who is studying? Leave a comment below.







Debra Jones is a 2nd Year Criminological and Forensic Psychology Undergraduate Student at The University of Bolton. Debra is married with 4 children. Debra changed her career and is averaging a first! 


If you are considering a change or career or are already studying and you need some help you can book in for a free 1-1 consultation to join the Coaching or Tutoring Programme with Sarah Edwards. You can book in here.


If you are Mum reading this and have been inspired then THIS  is the book that will help you take the next steps. Success on Probation: A Step By Step System to Reform Your Life And Release Yourself From Your Mental Jail. Written by Sarah Edwards.

by anonymous 11 May, 2022
Tell me about yourself I am in my late twenties living abroad having left the service some years ago. I am considering joining a similar service where I am but currently am enjoying working in the Behaviour intervention field, working alongside developmentally challenged individuals. I joined an 18-month training scheme to train to become a fully qualified probation officer straight out of university and worked for the service for a total of 4.5 years. Why did you become a Probation Officer? I half chose to become a Probation Officer and half fell into it, as I do have a genuine passion for helping others, particularly underdogs or those up against challenging situations. I did not intend to be a Probation Officer for my career but did enjoy working alongside some great colleagues despite the tough circumstances. There was also a really great lecturer/professor of mine who was a respected probation officer prior to teaching who influenced me sub consciously I held only academic experience in the fields of criminology and psychology however I felt I had a good grasp on a lot of the elements of the criminal underworld due to my interests in the subject prior to becoming a probation officer. The PQIP assessment was somewhat challenging in that it did not really allow you to focus on one task at a time and give it your all but rather juggle a few different assessments at once, which to be fair, reflects the job more accurately. I also did not like hearing my own voice on the recorded conversations. I was happy to be accepted in to the PQIP as it was a step up from my work as a host/bartender at a nice restaurant. I also felt that the assessment day itself had tests that I really knew the answers too already which gave me confidence that I would be good at this job. I was surprised at how little we actually had to go to lectures or seminars and were mainly left alone with some materials and references. I did not mind learning this way at all though. I found it challenging that some of my PQIP colleagues were leaving, particularly some closer friends who I had been on training sessions with. I think I have benefited from being an officer in some ways and also carry some unwanted baggage with me too. I think I am less naïve and have increased my ability to deal with emergency or crisis situations. What advice would you give to those who want to get into the role? I would advise those who are wishing to train to become an officer to not forget to keep the things in your life that give you the work / life balance that is required to take on this job and maintain some degree of optimism or satisfaction. I think I would also advise them to ensure they have the correct personal tutor for their teaching, I was lucky to have a great personal tutor. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In 5 years… In truth I do not want to be working as a Probation Officer in 5 years but I do intend to get back into the service for a short period of time here, abroad. I would like to be in a position to open my own company and work for myself in 5-10 years. What is one thing readers should know? I think everyone should know that in truth, many jobs leave you overworked and stressed with either pressure or emotional stress. This job is unfortunately at the higher end of the spectrum for both of these stresses in my experience and a lot of my colleague’s experience, I would also state that it was very clear that some of my longer serving colleagues had clearly experienced burn out and were performing really poorly with no real consequences, this left other officers, particularly those freshly trained to take over a case or situation last minute or without proper knowledge of the case. If you would like to write about your experience of the PQIP or being a Probation Officer, or even being in prison or probation get in touch infoedwardstutoring@gmail.com
by Claire Foskett 21 Feb, 2022
Journal articles will be familiar to anyone studying at degree level. But reading them can be time consuming and understanding them can be tricky. I’m here to let you in on a secret that will enable you to: Read and analyse journal articles more efficiently, thereby saving yourself time and effort Write your own journal article in a way that clearly and concisely reports your study findings Improve your understanding of psychology and criminology data Ultimately increase your grades! The reality is, journal articles are formulaic – once you know the formula, you’ll find them much easier to read and you’ll know where to look to get the information you need. Many people read the whole paper from start to finish – this isn’t always necessary and can lead to them getting bogged down in unnecessary details. The first thing to understand about journal articles is that they fall broadly into two categories – original research and reviews.
by Sarah Edwards 30 Oct, 2021
In this video I share with you what the PQIP scheme is like. Leave a comment and share!
by Thasnim Begum 06 Jun, 2021
As we all now, essays are required in every student’s life whether it be coursework, exams, reports, etc. They are tricky, so here is thorough guide to writing up a well written essay. Here we go. 1. Finding the right information. First of all, we look at the essay question: Look at your assignment brief and write down in your own words what they are asking of you. Highlight/circle key words – attention to detail is important. This will help you in searching for material to answer the essay question(s) effectively. Annotate/edit the rest of your assignment brief in your own words to make it easier to understand and to help make connection(s) within each section and throughout the assignment brief as a whole. Use the key words and formulate search terms to enter into online search engines to be able to answer the essay question effectively. You can use search engines such as: Google Scholar Your university online database(s) The results received will help you answer the question properly. Collect all relevant sources of information and omit if unnecessary. When scrolling through your sources of information (online journal articles, reports, books, etc.) refer back to your search terms, notes and annotated assignment brief. This will help you identify relevant bits and pieces of information and assist in collating all relevant information together. Use ‘Command + F’ and type in what you would like to find and your computer will gladly find it for you when using online material. 2. Putting your work together Using your assignment brief, the information that you have found that meets your set of criteria for the introduction, main body and conclusion, copy and paste it onto a Word document and paraphrase into your own words. Remember, less is more. Write it in a way that is easy to understand and that is concise – remove jargon and use simplified words. Its shows you understand the work and know how to apply it in the appropriate context. Do this as you go along, without forgetting to take note of all the references and sources you are using. 3. Format and essay structure Introduction Will be mostly a few lines long – consisting of one paragraph, introducing the topic and outlining the content for the remainder of the essay. Main body Will be the largest part of your essay and will contain to around 2 – 4 paragraphs depending on what you have to say and the word count. The main body talks about all the main arguments, in support or against the view point you would like to make. Both sides of the argument should be made here to provide a balanced view of the overall topic. Conclusion Will be one paragraph also and will reaffirm what is said in the main body and drawing all loose ends together – so any remaining conflicting points will be corrected here briefly. Make note of the word count at the essay. A common rule: You have (+/- 10%) of the word count of the essay. Last but certainly not least, are references. Your work has to be factual. Opinions have to be supported by evidence and taken from authentic sources, i.e. online journals, books, reports, etc. 4. References: Make a list in alphabetical order and use the correct referencing style you are using and be consistent with it. Reminder - Avoid writing in first person, write in third person to avoid using personal pronouns and this allows for an objective view on your chosen essay topic to be taken. And that brings us to the end of writing your essay. I hope that wasn’t too much and you enjoyed learning how to write an essay. Thasnim Begum is an experinced tutor in the following subjects; Religious Studies, Psychology, History, Sociology, Maths, Science and English. You can contact Thasnim directly about blog writing or tutoring: thasnimbegum008@gmail.com or make an enquiry here . If you are struggling with essay writing sign up to Edwards Tutoring: Master Psychology & Criminology: The Essay Skills Course here.
Train to be a Probation Officer
by Sarah Edwards 11 May, 2021
Photo: Unsplash
by Kody B 13 Apr, 2021
I have struggled with anxiety since I was a child, even when I was in primary school I would worry about absolutely everything – even things I had done years prior. However, as I grew older, my anxiety got better. But then I noticed that as my school years got more serious, I found my anxiety was increasing. By the time I had reached year eleven and was preparing to take my GCSEs, my anxiety was through the roof, depression had also started creeping in. But still, I pushed through, I viewed GCSEs as my priority. I had to get these, so I could get A-levels, so I could go to university. I have listed some coping methods for anxiety and depression as these are typically the most common in students but may work for other mental illnesses as well. Now, some of these might not work for you and that is okay. Everybody is different, no one is the same. Some ways that you may find help with dealing with mental illness at school is sticking to a timetable. Sticking to a timetable can help implement a routine which in turn can reduce feelings of anxiety as there is no ‘unknown’ in your day. However, it is important to remember that there may still be some unknowns to your day, and that’s okay. It’s also okay if this method does not work for you. If you are suffering from anxiety, here are some tips, tricks, and methods that I do/have been recommended: Control your breathing. The one I have been told to try is the breathe in for four seconds, hold it until seven and then out for eight. Although I find this one quite difficult, but the method I use the most is called ‘square breathing’ you look at a square and slowly breathe in as you follow the top of the square, then breathe out as you follow round down the other side, then breathe in as you follow along the bottom of the square, breathe out as you follow up of the next side, and repeat. Whilst doing this method, you don’t have to look at a square, quite often I close my eyes and imagine one. Doodle . Focusing on doodling helps take your mind off what is worrying you. During school, I would carry a notebook with me and doodle whenever I felt anxious, I found that it really helped me. Folding paper. Don’t worry if you can’t fold some swans or boats or whatever. But just folding paper that you focus on completely can help take your mind off your worries. Obviously, if you fancy making a swan, then go right ahead, but don’t worry if you can’t, I can’t either. Maths. Simple maths, for example you could choose four random numbers, order them by size, multiply them, or subtract them- just distract yourself. That’s what these techniques are all about, taking your mind of what you are worried about. Fiddle with something small. Some people that I know carry guitar picks in their pockets, or hair clips/pins, that way if you are at school, teachers won’t really notice something you can keep in your pocket, that way you can channel your nervous energy into something that is unseen and therefore won’t cause more attention. It is also important to understand that if your mind is not in a good place, you will most likely be thinking irrationally. Sometimes, the best thing (for me at least) to do at that moment in time is to distract yourself and ignore any irrational thoughts. For me, distracting myself can be doodling, watching a funny tv show on Netflix, watching YouTube, going on social media , just getting out of my head. It’s important as well to try to focus on the positives – I know that this is a cliché saying, but trying to get into a positive and happy mindset will help. I understand that that is easier said than done for the majority of the time, but it’s always worth a shot to improve your Mindspace. People who haven’t had a mental illness will most likely not understand mental illness – and will most likely say things that are ignorant. If they say something about it, just remember that they most likely don’t understand what you are going through, so let it go over your head. Sometimes going to the doctors and informing them can help, doctors are usually very good with mental illness and will give you coping mechanisms, refer you to a counsellor or therapists if that is what you would like, or they may give you medication to help. It’s important to talk to someone about how your feeling, this doesn’t have to be a doctor, it could be friends, family, teachers, tutors, anyone who you feel you can trust. It’s not healthy to let your feelings bottle up. And if you need a break from studying, it’s okay. It’s okay to have a day or two where you don’t do anything. Sometimes we need to recharge. Kody is a Criminology Undergraduate Student who shares study tips and provides a safe space for other students on his instagram @Criminologystudies
by Sarah Edwards 13 Apr, 2021
New paragraph
by Sarah Edwards 13 Apr, 2021
There are so many good reasons to communicate with site visitors. Tell them about sales and new products or update them with tips and information.
by Sarah Edwards 13 Apr, 2021
Write about something you know. If you don’t know much about a specific topic that will interest your readers, invite an expert to write about it.
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